Just saying, this is not one of our usual posts and it is a sad one. If you aren’t up to it then move along, our regular blogging will resume. But over here we do blog about our “life and times” and sometimes life is sad, and I am writing about our recent loss.
I am shattered… I have been thinking for weeks of clever and ingenious ways to share with our readers how se7en + 1 will be se7en + 1 + another one… but we won’t be.
Just as we reached Week #12, we lost our little person… our babe for such a short time, ours to love and cherish but not to raise up. I know our children are a gift from God and I know they are on loan to us, but on loan for such a short time is hard.
I never expected to have another babe… really our youngest is four and I am no spring chicken. But in my heart of hearts I was never really done and whenever anyone asks me are we done, I always say… I guess so, unless a few more arrive in the post box. (They think I’m kidding, but I am not!!!) Needless to say this would have been my post box child… and I miss it.
Astonishingly there are people out there that are surprised by our pain. We have eight perfectly beautiful children… there is no denying that and I love them all with the fierce love that only a mother can love her children with… But I loved my little hood#9 with the same fierce love.
And come that due date I am going to miss the sweet fluffy hair that brushes your cheek, that soft baby skin, where you don’t know where they begin and you end… sleepy hiccups and half smiles. There is a hand I will never hold… a hand that was ours to cherish… and a hand that will never rest sleepily in my own.
The thing about grief is that the world goes on, children need dinner and stories and fresh laundry in the morning… and they will have that… but this is a new season for me, one when even the most delectable looking food tastes like nothing. The only place for a quiet sob is into my pillow when the rest of the house is sleeping… I have no problem crying in front my children… but my word, we are talking “cry me a river” over here…
I know it will pass, I know I will feel better… but honestly I don’t really want to. Right now I want to miss this child deeply forever. And from previous griefs I know the pain doesn’t go away, but we get better at handling it… that time will come but just not yet.
I didn’t write this post because I wanted all our readers to feel oddly sad, or awkward even but really for the folk out there who experience this and know that they are not alone. So many people go through this, that the medical world considers it to be “normal.” But there is nothing normal about the deep and abiding disappointment, despair really.
It is a strange place to be… I am paralysed by decisions. I can make dinner, but then take hour to serve it because I can’t decide if we need salt and pepper on the table. A glorious sunshiny day and I take the whole day to decide wether it is worth the walk down to the beach, of course it is, but by the time I decide that the sun is going down, and we haven’t gone yet…
I am struck by the empathy of so many friends and the lack of empathy by others… right now I don’t want a sermonette on the se7en stages of grief… in fact I just want some peace. Right now I don’t want anyone to “take my kids off my hands,” really I never want that… but right now I need them all close by me… I need my little ones near me – they provide tremendous comfort and distraction!!!
After 12 weeks of nurturing a little life and letting house and garden maintenance slide beyond the point of return I am awakening to discover that with empty arms all the chaos and the garden that is normally a place of peace is just an unresponsive wasteland… our beans did not grow – they must have known. Do I plant fresh ones or leave the ground to it’s weeds. I head out doors and stare at the garden and think, I must do something and then I head indoors again.
A strange place to be… but in Proverbs it does say: “A hope deferred makes the heart sick…” and that so describes it, right now my heart is indeed sick. I am in a place of slow recovery… I have a crazy week of blogging ahead but December is going to see me spending a lot more time pottering around and working on healing my heart… a busy time of year, where I just need a little more time than usual to breathe and Be Still.