When You Lose a Love, A Whole Year On…

This is not one of our usual posts and it is a sad one. If you aren’t up to it then move along, our regular blogging will resume. But over here we do blog about our “life and times” and sometimes life is sad. I really needed to write about this before time passes and I lose momentum… I wrote this post for two kinds of readers – those who have friends that lose a baby during pregnancy and you would like to support them, and especially those who have lost a baby and are looking for folk who have been through the same.

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It has been a year, a whole year, since we lost our babe way too soon. I thought I would blog about it, not to harbour on and on about it, but so that women who go through this experience will realise that there are all sorts of normal and all sorts of ways that folk feel this kind of loss. I have to say that my life has changed. Others not so much – and that is to be expected. My days look just the same… heaps of laundry and dozens of dishes. But my heart, has been re-arranged forever.

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For the longest time I thought I would never breathe again… but here I am breathing. It took me a fair while to appreciate the short time we had with that little babe, rather than just being devastated at the loss of all that might have been. The longest time. It was only around the time that our little one would have been born when we had a family celebration of sorts, for the little sibling, that our older children had never met, that I started to feel that I would be okay again, eventually.

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I have spoken to so many women this past year who have been through similar experiences, who have quietly and gently told me that they have had the same experience, that I realised just how normal this totally not-normal experience is. Women that lost babies years and years ago have tears streaming down their cheeks as they share with me. Oh the pain that folk are walking around with. I am blessed by a community of loving supporters and yet I have never felt quite so alone. In my head I can understand that this is a common enough pain and lets face it there are folk around me who have suffered so much more than I have.

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I don’t really know what I was expecting on the anniversary. I certainly wasn’t expecting anyone else to be aware of it, and I thought it would be a day where we would just have our regular day and that perhaps I would feel a little downhearted. Really, I thought the day would pass like any other. It didn’t. I was overcome with a deep sadness that seems to have settled under my skin for evermore. I am fine really – don’t for a moment think there is no joy in my life and that I am miserable at every turn. But there are unexpected things that trigger the pain… and when I least it expect it that silent sadness that has so carefully been buried beneath the surface literally lurches forth and engulfs me.

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While I know I am part of a vast and silent sisterhood, who have lost unborn babes… I also don’t know what to expect. Nobody talks about it. I am so blessed that so many friends have shared that they have been through the same, but their the conversation staggers to a halt as we sit in silence or change the subject. Really what is there to say, there are no words to describe a hidden ache. And to be honest I just don’t know what to say – I can be very factual, I can be breezy… but this is one place where I just don’t know myself well enough to be myself.

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Se7en + 1 Things I have Learnt This Past Year

  1. This is a Lonely Road: Not for lack of company, you only have to go through losing a babe to realise how many of your friends, who are able enough to tell you, have been through it. Honestly nobody talks about it. I think it is lonely because I don’t trust myself to just talk about it… I do not have the right words. In fact I have learnt that for some things there are no words.
  2. It is easier to write than to speak: I know that there are friends who love me dearly, who will read this and think, “I had no idea” and for those friends, I really don’t expect you to know what is on my heart, I hardly know it myself – how on earth can I expect others around me to know how I feel.
  3. I am gentler on myself: I have learnt that I have a limit and there are some things that I just cannot push through. I am very much a getting things done kind of gal, but for this event I have had to be patient and wait for the journey to unravel itself. For previous aches and pains in my life, and like all of us, I have had my share… this is the first time that I couldn’t just say to myself, “time to move on.” There is a fine line between burying something so deep that it cannot hurt and not wanting to forget, or tarnish the memory of them. I don’t want to forget our little person, I cannot bury this memory, so I have had to ride the wave of it. It has been hard, often unbearably hard but I am not sorry, who would want the loss of a child to be easy.
  4. I am Gentler on Others: Folk assume a lot about other folk and they say the most amazing things… I find it very hard when folk ask us if we are we having another child… they can be so relentless. And when they say, “When is Hood #9 going to arrive?” I inwardly just crumble, but harsh as folk can be I have never been able to say… “Well, we lost our little #9.” Somehow to say it outloud feels like such a betrayal… and while it would surely stop them in their tracks it would break my heart at the same time.
  5. I Have Found my Friends and I Have Learnt to ask for Help: I am possibly the worst person in the world to ask for help… ever. I always imagine that I can make a plan, adapt, change my expectations, make things work. That has all changed. I admit I am really not very good at asking for help, much as I love and adore friends that ask me for help. I have learned to ask, to speak up when I just need some support or when I just can’t reach the expectations that float around me. Because my goodness there are days when all I can do is show up. Gone are the days, when I can quickly bake something or meet folk for a picnic in ten minutes… I am really in the season of “you will see me when you see me.”
  6. Treasure the Time Together with Your Loved Ones and I Fight a Lot Harder for the Things that Matter: Intellectually I know this, but now there is a deeper understanding that my time with our kids is surely fleeting, dashing past and just not worth wasting. Chores and sibling squabbles can really wait, I don’t have the energy to spend on them. Honestly, I give up a lot quicker on the things that don’t matter, than I used to. We have really spent a lot more time on making memories together, this past year: going for ambles, reading lots more books together. Creating time that sticks us together. This is our here and now and we need to cherish this time.
  7. I Assume so Much Less: It has been a year, I cannot expect folk to even give it a passing thought, why would they. But I find folk that know the road we have traveled still squirm when one of us mentions it, “Surely we have forgotten and moved on by now.” Well actually we haven’t forgotten and we aren’t about to either. While other folk might assume how I am feeling, I am no longer in that place where I can assume how my friends are feeling about things. They may not be thrilled at their new house and sudden move, they may not be thrilled at their career change – I no longer assume and I ask a lot more, “How do you feel about that?”
  8. And the se7en + 1th…

  9. Seasons Come and Seasons Go: For others the pain is somewhat removed. For me it is a physical pain reflected in the seasons, I feel the mood of my year swing according to it. I am okay with that. Sometimes I am content to not find a smile – it is okay really. This isn’t a little thing to just forget about and move on. For me this was huge… I carry it with me, a badge that no-one else can see, even if I think they can.

A trouble shared is a trouble halved, and I hope someone reading this post in the future will recognise a part of themselves in it and find comfort. While gals do get together and talk about their day to day aches and pains… we definitely do not talk about the loss of our babies. But you are not alone and the path you are traveling on is an age old one… I draw comfort from that, and to the many that have been before me, who have held out their hands and said “I have been there too,” I salute you.

Previous Posts

When you Lose a Love.

When you Lose a Love… How can you Help?

When you Lose a Love… It is a Family Affair.


32 Replies to “When You Lose a Love, A Whole Year On…”

  1. Thinking of you… I feel like I am learning that grief is something you live with, not get through. A beautiful, thoughtful post as always.

  2. And now I’m crying. We lost our #9 last week, and your words ‘silent sadness’ pretty much sums up how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t like talking about it, and I feel like avoiding those who knew we were expecting – other than my kids of course. And it does seem suddenly even more important to treasure the time with those we have. Thanks for sharing and for being real.

  3. Oh Cassi, I am thinking of you so, and I think you are right. I am not so sure about the old saying that time heals, but we do get paper at handling it with time. When my mom-in-law lost her first husband she told me it was like losing a limb, she got better at getting around without him but she never got used to it. Grief is indeed a hard burden to carry. Sending lots of love.

  4. Oh LindaOz, my heart goes out to you and cries alongside of you… I am so so sorry. If there is anything at all you need or if you just want someone to talk and you just can’t find the right person then please feel free to email me… I will get right back to you. Sending love and prayers, take it easy you have earned some time off to quietly reflect. Lots of love…

  5. Oh Christi thank you, it has been quite a relentless year… there are always so many many many life lessons to learn. Thank you so much for stopping by!!!

  6. We lost 2 little unborn babies about 4 months ago and I know we could never forget them. Praying for you.

  7. Thank you for being willing to write about the hard things in life. I know that many women have this grief yet it isn’t talked about. I appreciate learn how I can be a good friend to my mom friends. I also want to tell you that I find your blog to be one of the most encouraging homeschool blogs. I think it is your love of reading and making and going to the beach.

  8. I think the hardest part of grief is the loneliness. There is always the assumption that others haven’t been through it and the need to soldier on. It leads to a vicious cycle of not talking, helping each other. It doesn’t help that the internet is so full of posts about what not to say to grieving people. I often keep silent for fear of offending. And I honestly never share my own losses. It hurts to reopen them. You are a brave and helpful woman. Thank you.

  9. Though our lives have only brushed against each other’s a few times over many years, I want to send you this cyberspace hug from over here. The Lord is close to those who mourn. Wendy xx

  10. So sorry!

    I loved the line that it’s the smallest things that set you off (it was like that with the infertility for me – seeing a little boy’s head would have me crying..)


  11. I have thought about you every week since your post of losing your baby and I’ve gone through in my head what I would like to say to you. But I can never think of what to say to truly express my condolences and sadness for what you, the father person and your children have all been through. Please know that I remember you and your family in my prayers and think of you so often with much love xx

  12. A dear friend of mine just lost her baby and I went straight to your posts to know how to support her in the midst of this devastating loss. Thank you for writing honestly about your experiences; they truly do help others!

    I found this post incredibly encouraging. While I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, I’ve walked my own journey of grief this last year as I’ve dealt with the onset of an autoimmune disorder, and everything you said resonated with me. It seems the Lord uses all of our loss to teach us the things we need to learn about love, grace, and faith in the midst of suffering. It’s good to remember that we aren’t alone on this journey.

    Sending love & hugs from this side of the ocean!

  13. Many years ago, when we lost our first little one, someone gave me the permission to grieve that loved little person … and to grieve it in my own way and for as long as it takes. I am so grateful I was given that gift. And I think this post does the same thing – it is a gift too.
    I have you on my heart, and sending heaps of love …

  14. Christi, Thank you, I am overwhelmed at just how lovely our readers are… I can’t thank you enough for your support and encouragement…

  15. Oh Pamela, exactly that… we feel so alone, and yet we so aren’t. I have to say, I have discovered I am not the best soldier and it has been a really good lesson to know that I need to lean on my friends. God has provided exactly the right friends for me at exactly the right time, when I have needed comfort it has been there for me. Before I would never ever have said to anyone that I need a shoulder to cry on… now I have no problem asking. Hard life lessons and it is often easier to keep quiet, there are many folk that I would never mention a word about it too. But sometimes I just can’t be quiet, I guess that’s where blogging comes in… apparently I am a gal who wears her heart on her sleeve. Thank you so much for stopping by, I really appreciate your support and friendship.

  16. Oh Marcia, Thank you. Sometimes i feel like i am just slightly nuts. I wish I knew what my triggers were… but I have no idea, the line in a hymn, the angle of the window, somebody just caring and it takes me right back. Anyway, that is part of who I am now, I cannot hide it or change it, it is just part of the package that is me. Thanks for stopping by again and again…

  17. Oh Sue… I have no words, thank you, thank you, thank you for stopping by. I have so missed you and it is good to hear from you. You could never ever say the wrong thing, you have just the best heart and I can’t thank you enough for being there for us. Sending all my love…

  18. Oh Laura, you have the sweetest heart, thank you. I am so glad that you find these posts helpful, they aren’t the easiest posts to write. I am really sorry for the hard times you have been having and will keep you on my heart. We are definitely not alone as we travel this journey, sending all my love to you and yours.

  19. Thank you Corli, even on the furthest side of the world I know you are there and I am so thankful for that – you have no idea how much. sending lots of love to you and your gang.

  20. Sadness is so okay! Well done for sharing it and helping others. Sending you a super big hug my friend! I so remember that email and was thinking about it this week! Just know your precious baba is with Jesus waiting!

  21. Thank you for everything you share. I almost lost a baby at 12 weeks. I was told that I was having an “inevitable miscarriage” (that was put on my account afterwards) so I spent a night saying goodbye – only to discover the next morning that it had been a mistake and the baby was fine. And that is what is under my skin 10 years later. I really love your website and I think you are the person to look to when I need an example of what it means to be a humanly great mother. Wishing you all support and thanks.

  22. I find it hard to realize it has been a year. Where has the time gone? I think of you everyday and pray for comfort and strength and faith. There have been losses throughout my life, but losing 2 babies was a defining moment. I still grieve for what could have been, but in God’s infinite wisdom was not given to us. Daily I am reminded that we live in a fallen world and I do not like it. Loss is all around me and the depth of the sadness is mostly unbearable. There are often no words to say. Deep inner joy and the knowledge that God is faithful is what gets me through the days and nights. Yet I know more loss and grief are coming. May God grant us the grace we need. I love you, dear friend. Much love from my world to yours.

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