Sunday Snippet: Se7en Ways to Love Your Husband…

From time to time I have the Moms over from the Mom’s Bible Study at Church and they ask me anything they like, about mothering and parenting and you know… older women training the younger women, I would be the older woman in this scenario!!! It is the least I can do, to answer the questions I had when I was a new mom. The topic of the day, that they had been reading about in Bible Study was: “How to Love your Husband…” If you have a look at Colossions 3:18-19 I think loving your husband is all about submitting to your husband and for many men that is all about respect.


Here are some of the questions that were tossed on the table:

  1. How do you show your husband that you respect him?
  2. Talk about him in a respectful way… when he is around and when he isn’t around. Be careful who you hang out with. There is nothing worse than the “Oh so common” gathering of women to discuss who has the worst husband. Just step away from it. If your husband knows that you aren’t going to say something against him wherever you are that is already putting a spring in his step. And forget that hysterical anecdote that you really want to tell everyone… it just isn’t worth it, don’t mention it. Rather talk about the things he does that are fabulous – you could change the whole tone of the conversation and everyone could go home feeling better for it!!!

  3. How Can I Help Him in His Relationship With His Kids?
  4. I am indeed his best advocate, I am the one who spends the most time with the kids and I am the one that can raise up their Dad to be their hero or not. He is a pretty fabulous Dad and his kids love and adore him, it is up to me to make sure that they know he has their best interests at heart even when he has to work long hours or he has to attend an important meeting. It also means I have to stand back and let them be with him when he is home. I like things done my way, who doesn’t, but let your husband do things his way often seems to work a whole lot better. I am all about calming the kids down and he isn’t!!! And that’s great, they all go to sleep at the end of the day wether they romped through a story or cuddled through it… the important thing is they have plenty of happy memories with both of us.

  5. How do you NOT resent your husband for long hours Away From Home?
  6. I realize that my husbands work is fundamental to him, he devotes a huge portion of his life to it, but what is he doing there. He is earning a salary that supports us month after month after month… I promise you if I was given the task to feed, clothe and educate a family of ten month after month then you may find me hiding under the couch. I realize that being part of a ministry and being involved in Bible Studies and prayer meetings are part of his spiritual life and I don’t begrudge him another meeting. When I was a new mum I discovered just how busy we were with weekly meetings…especially when I suddenly stopped attending them to stay home with our baby, I remember asking a busy pastors wife how she coped with her husband out for a couple of hours every night and she said: “Get busy.” Short and sweet!!! And it is only a couple of hours at a time. I must say for years I baulked at the thought of another Saturday morning prayer meeting… and now they are one of our best times… those of us at home linger longer in bed and read stories and really take a break from the rush… he always brings home something fabulous for brunch – I can’t argue with a lie-in and brunch a couple of times a month.

  7. What if he doesn’t pull his weight around the house?
  8. I do not expect my husband to do 50% of the work around the home but I do expect both of us do our best towards our marriage and raising our family. For us that means that l take charge of things within the home, the details. He is all about the world view and the big picture, he takes responsibility for his salary and worries about world events. I am all about the local, who didn’t finish their school work today and if the street kids who asked for bread at the gate this afternoon have somewhere warm to sleep tonight. I really don’t expect my husband to arrive home from work and roll up his sleeves and get the kids ready for bed and make dinner, while I put my feet up after an exhausting day. He does do jobs around the house but he likes me hanging around as his assistant… pass him the pliers and so on. I have no problem that… who doesn’t like company when they are busy with a job. Fact is, he is exhausted after a day at work and he needs to collapse on the couch… Fact is by the time he gets home from work there are plenty of pretty tired folk around our house and if they want to chill out on the couch together while they wait for dinner then I am all for it. There are days when I wish he was just a tad more energetic… those Sunday afternoon naps can be a little long!!! But if I think of it as a gift I can give him… a little longer nap, a little more time to relax then great. It is a gift that I can give him and it really costs me nothing. And why wouldn’t I want to gift someone I totally love!!!

  9. How can I be the Perfect Wife? Stop being the perfect wife. It took me years to learn this one and a wise woman had to teach me it: We have this image of who the perfect wife, maybe she is the media wife, maybe she is even the Proverbs 31 woman… and we spend hours and days and years trying to be that woman. Remember your husband married you, he chose you… Find out what he likes about you and work on that. It took me years to get that and even longer to believe it and actually ask my husband about what he likes… and it may change. Turns out my husband doesn’t want dinner on the table or the house immaculate and the children all resting when he gets home from work. He wants a cup of tea and a moment of peace. He loves to come home and discover that everyone is busy and there is peace in his home. What about our appearance, ask him what he likes… he may prefer you in jeans than a dress-suit. He may prefer you looking fresh and bright rather than grungy and half-beaten by the day, chances are!!! A friend of mine’s husband loves her to wear make-up, and she always looks spiffy… My husband isn’t mad about make-up, you can tell, I never wear it, but he loves perfume and I am never without it!!!
  10. How Can I Make Him Feel That I Enjoy Time With Him More Than With Anyone Else?
  11. Spend time with him, and I don’t mean date nights… regular time. I know date nights are very fashionable and the argument for them is that you will spend the rest of your life with your husband and your kids will move on… So true and I look forward to a different era with my husband. But we are loving the time with our family now, both of us are working at raising our family, while we are still all together. We do need to spend time together everyday, have a coffee on the couch together with kids milling about… talk about our days at dinner time while the kids talk about theirs… There is no reason why we can’t enjoy the everyday stuff together and even the not so everyday stuff together. I have no doubt that getting along well in the everyday will stand us in good stead a couple of years down the line when our kids start to find their way in the world. My best way to spend time with my husband is to talk with him… laugh at his jokes, talk about the books that he is reading, I want to know what makes him tick… I won’t hear any of it if we were to go out to a movie. I do hear all about it when we drive home from a family outing with tired, tussled, sleepy heads in the back of the car. Our best outing when we were newly weds was a browse through a book shop and have a coffee… nothings changed and why can’t we share it with our kids. I have a feeling that someone somewhere is making money out of the whole date night issue: A date night puts so much pressure on a couple, especially a couple with eight kids… financial pressure not just for the outing but for a sitter, not to mention the pressure of getting the kids fed and and bathed and ready for bed three times faster than usual – everybody knows the thing that sends a family into a spin is “rushing” and you can get home really late to discover unsettled kids – hardly the marriage builder you were after.

  12. Don’t Make Him Wish He Wasn’t There.
  13. I know at the end of the day when my husband arrives home I can sit with him and lament about all the things that went wrong, and make no mistake I do this… but often I am painting a very negative picture of my world and very often he will say: “Rather you than me.” And that isn’t the impression I want to give him at all… I have to mix-it up a bit and remember to highlight the great parts of our day too… We do have them, it is just so easy not to appreciate them. Remember just as there is a media myth surrounding motherhood, we aren’t actually all sitting in lace dressing gowns on a rocking chair while our babies sleep in a crib beside us… there is a media myth about husbands, that they really aren’t worth their salt if they don’t dash home from work and do a million domestic chores. I make a point of not “reminding (nagging) him” of all the things on my ever increasing “to do” list for him… he knows there are tasks to be done and I know that none of them will be done when he walks in the door at the end of the day… let it go. Find out what he likes to do when he is home… you may be surprised!!!

    And the Se7en + 1th Thing…

  14. The Elephant at the Table: The question that nobody asked! Was what about their husbands, um, intimate needs. Don’t pretend they aren’t important, they are. We think of so many excuses to avoid it… and one of the biggest excuses is our appearance… What are we so afraid of – well I know I am not the lithe young lady that my husband married eighteen years ago and trust me eight kids can wreck havoc on your physique. How many friends tell me they need to lose a couple of kilo’s before they are comfortable with themselves… Honestly the issue is ours rather than our husbands and frankly just get on with it. I had one friend who made sure that Saturday night was THE night, no matter what… she knew all week to get her head there, and he didn’t have to spend every night wondering if tonight was the night… Whatever you do, know that this is one area that is an important way for him to express his love for you… buying you chocolates and flowers couldn’t be further from his mind. I have another friend who says, “Don’t just say no if you are genuinely too busy, give him hope, tell him a little later and then stand by your word.”

If you want to read more about this then you must read this article about Shaunti Feldhahn’s"For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" (Shaunti Feldhahn) book For Women Only. I wrote about her books previously in a post called The Best Relationship Books Ever.

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31 Replies to “Sunday Snippet: Se7en Ways to Love Your Husband…”

  1. You are so spot on girl!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself. I have to speak on it occasionally, like this weekend, can I be cheeky and use some of it?

  2. Hay Jo… So glad I could help!!! Of course you may use it, there is nothing new there just reminders of what we really do already know!!! Have a fabulous week!!!

  3. Se7en — this is a great post! Thanks for writing this!

    I agree with you completely about “date night”. My husband and I barely went OUT on dates when we were “dating”. We don’t need to leave the house and spend lots of money in order to enjoy spending time together.

    And – Hooray for not talking negatively about our husbands! My husband is wonderful and I want other people to know that!

  4. I LOVE this! My Mom gave me the best piece of advice about a year into my marriage. I was in that cultural trap of seeing all the negatives and always talking about my husband negatively, even in front of him. She pulled me aside one day and told me how to change things. She told me to speak of him as my hero and to praise anything I could find to praise in front of him. She said to respect him and build him up. WOW, what a change! He has not only been my hero many times, but has become a fantastic husband, wonderful father and loving man, all from the power of loving words. We have been happily married over 10 years now and I have never forgotten those words from my mother! What a gift!

    P.S. Here in Oklahoma, USA we still have some drive-in move theaters left over from the 50’s. Our favorite “date” is a cheap drive-in movie with the kids in the car and a basket of snacks and goodies or dinner from home. Nobody cares about loud children or nursing toddlers there!

  5. Well said! Especially in this time where husbands are often shown as wimps, dictators, or adulterers in the media!

  6. Wow. as a single lady this is the best advice that I have read in years. Funny how the church can become corrupted by the world and place all sorts of guilt-trip on single females. It is about acceptance, contentment and love, isn’t it?
    Keep on doing what you’re doing. I think you are doing a great job (and so is the father person). Have a great day.

  7. Hi Linda B, So glad you liked this post!!! Yup, I was so thrilled that my dating days were over, once we were married!!! And it certainly doesn’t mean we never spend time together!!! Hope you have a good week!!!

  8. Hi Jamie… What a great tip from your mom!!! I remember standing round the tea table at work thinking these poor women are married to wretches and my husband is such a honey!!! We don’t have drive-ins here, but they sound so fun!!! Hope you have a fabulous week!!!

  9. Hay Aunty Muffin, So true… Men have a very bad image as husbands and fathers. Unless of course they are doing it all: parenting, careering, schooling, cleaning, then of course they are perfect. I am hopefully training my short men up to be great husbands rather than slaves to ridiculous expectations!!! Have a good week!!!

  10. Hay Irene… Always good to have your input. I know the pressure on singles is alarming… I all about welcoming them in!!! Hope your week is wonderful, if not freezing!!!

  11. Hi again…

    THAT IS THE BEST advice I have read – and it really makes sense knowing that you manage it with so many kids. Well Done – You continue to be inspirational – THANK YOU for your blog – you really make a difference in a LOT of lives everyday… I LOVED this advice ūüôā


  12. Oh Sherrin, Glad you liked it!!! I wondered about posting it, so the comments of encouragement are great!!! Hope you have a great day!!!

  13. Hay CA, My goodness, you are such a fab supporter!!! I will have you in my corner anyday!!! I am so glad you enjoyed the post and I hope your day just gets better and better!!!

  14. What a great post!! An excellent reminder of what is important, good & necessary! Thank you for you insight and honesty! Excellent and refreshing!

  15. I’ve been really, really terrible at keeping up with the blog (sorry!) but I popped in today and saw this great post! My mom’s told me these things for as long as I can remember and your post is a reminder of how true it all is. Now that I work with couples in my counselling practice, I have the privilege of helping wives learn how to do these things better. Great stuff! Lots of love to all of you – hope everyone is well!

  16. I thought this was a terrific post. Everyone’s marriage is unique, and I love how you point that out in number 5. Good reminder to stop with the ‘if only’s’ and enjoy what we have.

  17. Hay Laura, Fabulous to hear from you… Lots of love to all of you right back!!! Hope you have a great day!!!

  18. Oh Bethany, Thanks for stopping by and what a great comment!!! How often we forget the wonderful we have while we are so busy with “if only”… Hope you have a great day!!!

  19. Great post!

    Thanks for having a whack at the date night thing. Shoo the kids off, worry about them all night, go sit in a movie house and ignore each other for 2 hours and spend way too much money? No thanks.

    I also was wondering about that white elephant. And what really shifted my stance was realising that that is how he loves me. Every other way… chocolates and flowers… is him stumbling in a foreign language.

    Your honesty here is always refreshing. Keep it up.

  20. I’m the lone dissenter, I guess. My husband and I LOVE date night! We don’t do it every week, but on a fairly regular basis my nephew, or niece, comes over feeds the kids a “fun” supper (like pizza), plays with them and puts them to bed. The kids adore their cousins, so they look forward to having them babysit. Meanwhile, we go eat a peaceful dinner alone and then take a walk or hang out at a bookstore and share our “finds”. It doesn’t cost a lot and the whole family finds it a fun break from our daily routine.
    Dates don’t have to cost a lot and there’s lots more to do than see a movie on a date. ūüôā
    But I fully agreed with all your other points! ūüėČ

  21. Hi Laura, I have to say your date nights sound so fun!!! Maybe if I had a couple of handy cousins nearby or even some handy grannies we would do it more but it just isn’t the right time for us… though when my older kids are older I can see them begging us to go out so they can put their little brothers and sisters to bed!!! Thanks for stopping by, hope you have a great week!!!

  22. Hay Olivia, Nice to have you visit our blog!!! Glad you liked this post, I always love your comments!!! Have a great week!!!

  23. Love this post. Must say my husband and I also LOVE date night. We don’t spend a lot of money and even just go for a beach walk on a Saturday morning followed by an elcheapo breakfast. We even go for a coffee and browse in bookshops or in antique stores – both places where I can’t relax with my kids around.
    I love the whole dressing up to go out with my man thing and I LOVE spending time alone with him (without any kids around). We are lucky that we have my MIL who doesn’t mind babysitting but it does take time to get to the point – it is difficult with small kids.

  24. Hay Denise… Thank you so much for commenting, somehow my previous reply got eaten by the internet!!! I just wanted to say thank-you for such a lovely positive comment and hope you have a great weekend!!!

  25. Hi Julia… I am so glad you enjoyed this post!!! And especially glad you love spending time with your man!!! I guess with small kids around and we have had those for a number of years – they just don’t seem to get any bigger!!! – we find it easier to do stuff together still. And my kids have become superb bookshop browsers on account of our love for bookshops and browsing – some life skills are vital!!! Thanks so much for commenting and I hope you have a great weekend!!!

  26. I liked this post so much that i came back to it a year later to recap my “husband loving skills” ūüėČ
    Thank you again

  27. Hi Kim… I am just settling in for an evening of work and as I was getting a list of posts “to do” over the next month or so, I was thinking of a similar post and jotted some notes down for a future post in the same vein!!! So glad this post meant so much to you!!! Have a great evening!!!

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